In honor of my one year Zam-iversary, I’ll bypass the “sorry for the lack of posts” and the “Hannah the oversensitive” typical statements and get right to the chase. My time in Zambia is difficult to describe. It is everything. It is my highest highs and my lowest lows, my biggest epiphanies and the ultimate mundane. In honor of my one year in this place and the reflection it threw me into, I leave you with this: a list of random thoughts I’ve written during different times in my service. Things I’ve written in my journal/ my lesson plan book/ scrap papers/ the walls/ whatsapp chats/ etc.

June 14, 2015 (four days after arrival to Zambia)
Ba Rave (our training coordinator) – “Remember this is an experience that no one can take from you. It is so rich. Remember that. Not one bit of money could ever buy this experience from you. It will be with you forever.”

June 26, 2015
This present moment is beautiful. . Never thought that the sound of my feet could be so memorizing, the stars could be so bright, that these new relationships could feel so real so quickly, Wow, the universe is so good to me. It always brings me such wonderful people. I’m very happy here.

August 3, 2015
Tough day. I don’t want to write. But here I go; here are some things for which I am thankful:

1. My Zambian family, the Lungus
   

   Ba Stefania (my head teacher) and Bayama (uncle)

2. Past loves
3. The ability to read and write
4. Peace Corps Medical Office
5. Zambian teachers who care
6. That blanket on my bed
7. An extra notebook
8. Malarone (my malaria prophylaxis)
9. Sunrises/ sunsets and their colors
10. Wine

September 5, 2015 (2 days after arrival in village in which I will serve)
Today I thought I could carry 20 liters of water on my head and dropped it in front of about ten people who all looked terrified. It shattered and eventually we all laughed.
Also a chicken got in my house and I couldn’t get it out. Then it pooped on my floor.

September 16, 2015
Joys-

Kristen, Mapalo and Eme 

1. Reading notes from friends in the U.S.
2. Throwing rocks at the mana apple tree wth the neighborhood kids. Cheering when one falls. Sharing all the winners.
3. Reading Bemba books with Bayama Ba Francis (host uncle). He is so patient and a great teacher.
4. Conversations on the phone with family back home. It’s funny how close I can feel with them when we are so far away.
5. Chalk writing with the neighborhood kids.
6. Writing by candle light on the porch while cooking.
7. Rare natural moments of laughing, laughing, laughing with Ba mayo (mom), Bayama (uncle), Ba Charity and Ba John.

September 20, 2015
Can I every think about the world the same or will I always think differently now? I think this experience is changing everything.

October 5, 2015
Today I wasn’t capable
I couldn’t spell, speak or hear
I was stupid and ignorant
People pointed out my faults

October 17, 2015
I wake up every morning and thank God for turning on the lights.

November 15, 2015
This weekend I did NOTHING productive. But I honestly have never felt closer to my Zambian family.

November 25, 2015
Thing’s I’m thankful for-

• Having power at school
• Sneaking winks with the kid in the overalls at church
• When some new cooking creation actually works
• When Bayama saw that I was having a hard time starting the fire so he came over with dry wood to help me.
• Watching kids read
• Joseph (a great pupil) “Madam I am missing you” on Saturday. (the last time he saw me was Friday)
• Little Oscar insisting on helping me with all my chores
• Voice messages from friends

Little Emma

December 9, 2015
I’ve been on this Peace Corps journey for 6 months exactly today. Wow!

December 31, 2015
The last day of 2015. Wow.

Goofy faces with Gay and Bwalya

Hannah Mathers- most likely to be the hypest chick at the club. Most likely to fall in love with every place she goes, most likely to ask for directions, to write in her journal that she needs to write more, to laugh at herself, to need to communicate. Most likely to practice ‘out of sight, out of mind’, to lose stuff. Most likely to seek affection.
Learning a lot about myself.

January 5, 2015
I am a walking billboard of privilege and opportunities that many of the people around me will likely never have access to.
“You’ll live just like the people” they said. It greatly affected my decision to leave “everything” behind and “serve” in another country. My understanding of this whole experience has grown exponentially. In a way, I’m sure we are living like the people we are “serving”. We are speaking their language, fetching water at the same hole and waking up to the same sunrise that gives us light. However, “living like the people” doesn’t adequately describe this experience for me. Living like the people would mean no malaria prophylaxis, little food options, no peace corps appointed bike helper, and absolutely no toll free phone lines in case of emergencies where a cruiser may just magically appear at your door for a sprained ankle. It means no weekend trips to the boma (the closest city) just to kick it with friends. And it sure as hell means no Malawi trips to binge on food and booze, it means living in a skin color that has been oppressed since the beginning of “civilization” (something some volunteers understand). The privilege I was born into is deep. It’s not something that can just be stripped with a tiny 2-year leave from the over-luxurious comforts of the U.S. We are merely experimenting. We will never know their struggle.

January 7, 2016
New day!
“No matter how much logic I cram into my brain, it can’t push out the feelings in my heart.”
I’m on the up! Riding this slump out, doing what I gotta do to feel better.

February 15, 2016
It scares me when I realize how much of my happiness is based on others. My good days are based on others while my bad days also are.

February 19, 2016
I spend more time than ever thanking God for things that have always existed in my life. The sunlight in the morning that allows me to see. The wind that starts my brazier (my fire), The rain that waters the crops and fills up my bathing basin. The moon and the light it brings or the light it doesn’t bring so we can see the beautiful stars. Wow, God’s creation is truly beautiful. What a special little experience I am having here during my small time here on Earth. Who am I to be able to experience such joy?

February 25, 2016 (during a meeting)
WHAT’S THE POINT OF THIS?

March 23, 2016

My home

The saddest things in my life:

• My memory
• All the lives I will never live
• All the lives I’ve lived but have forgotten

I can’t write these days. What’s up with me.

April 15, 2016 (on my walls)

“I am the one thing in life I can control.”
Always give grace. Cuz you sure as hell need it too, honey.

May 1, 2016
Sometimes I wonder if I am afraid to write because I’m afraid of what will be exposed in my own thoughts. I don’t feel very connected to my soul, to mother earth right now. I just feel a little disconnected lately. I haven’t had a moment where I am in awe of the universe’s beauty lately.

May 30, 2016
I don’t know how to tell you that I live in a small village in the Samfya district of the Luapula province in Zambia.
Yes, that’s in Africa
but I don’t know how to tell you that treating this continent like its just one, less fortunate, uniformed, hungry, dark skinned country is harmful and simply extremely false.

June 7, 2016 (in a letter to a family)
I’m so thankful for my peace corps volunteer community. We share stories, food, tears and laughter. I don’t know if I’ve ever been a part of a tighter friend group.

June 13, 2016
Had a couple really good days. Thankful for joy and grace and this present moment.

My grade 8 pupils killin it

Written from the heart on August 25.   
Chipembi is the name of the village where we spent the last three months training. (We are officially done with training!) It was packed with learning, challenges, stretching, growth, ahhh it was just intense. Which I am using as an excuse for why I have not written in a while (that and connection is hard to come by!) 
I’m writing as a special typical me closure to this place where I truly feel so much growth has happened. I learned many surface lessons, like how to ride my bike on Zambian roads, how to fix my bike, how to hand wash my clothes, how to carry water on my head, how to wear chitenge (a special cloth wrap that woman wear/ use for everything here), how to speak Bemba (yay! I love it!), how to cook on a brazier (open fire), HOW TO TEACH!, how to bargain for vegetables (ahhh so many lessons). Aside from these tangible things I’ve learned, I feel like much deeper lessons have been taking place. I’ve only just begun to benefit from the many lessons that I know Zambia has for me in the next two years. The stretching has forced me to do some heart/ intention checking. Questions like- why am I here? How do I view the people I serve? How do I view people who serve me? I hope to continue this reflective attitude through my service (this is me asking you to call me out if I’m not). 
I’m also trying new things. I’m acknowledging my insecurities and encouraging myself to not let them make my decisions. I’m focusing on choosing love over fear. I’m doing things that cause me pain but are best for me at this time (What starts off easy, ends up hard. What starts off hard, ends up easy). I’m stretching myself as much as I can! Some days I fail, but guess what? some days I have succeeded! And that’s pretty awesome. (I also give myself rest time don’t worry, momma) 
My three months in Chipembi have been exhausting but growth filled. I’m so thankful to everyone who took part in my learning (the trainees, the trainers, my family, strangers on the street). As you know from my many “see you later” posts, ending chapters hurt my heart. I feel deeply connected with people (I know after only three months) and  moving on hurts. Although yes (prepare for cliche) they will always be in my heart. But really, I believe in that stuff.
So my next step? Shortly, I will be sworn in as an official volunteer and will move to my permanent peace corps site (in Luapula, Zambia). Our first three months are called community entry where our only responsibility is to get integrated into the community by meeting as many people as we can, by speaking lots of Bemba, by eating lots of nshima (the staple Zambian dish), by observing classrooms, etc. Three months dedicated to shaking hands? Sounds like my kinda three months 🙂 
Again, I’m choosing to acknowledge my emotions which are so mixed right now. Ending a chapter hurts my heart and beginning a new one excites it. I’m on a ride of many emotions and I’ve only just begun. 
Thanks for showing me love. Much love back. 

Written from the heart on July 25. Posted at first sign of available wifi.
I met my new house! We trainees visited current peace corps volunteers and our own soon to be homes to see what village life is really like. We spent time setting our own fires, observing Zambian classrooms, walking around, attending events (I even attended a wedding and kitchen party aka bridal shower! I shook my booty in front of a whole yard full of Zambians and we alllllll laughed super hard!) It was a fun week to say the least. 

  
Jim and Julie (those two beautiful souls in the picture) are the current RED (rural education development) volunteers in this home (my new home) and were great hosts during our site visit. In September after we trainees swear in as official peace corps volunteers, I will be moving into this beauty. 
My week was intense and full to the brim with lessons. You might be thinking, “oh man Hannah just realized she’s gonna be pooping In a hole for the next two years” or even “it just hit her that she has no microwave for quick meals.” You might even think, “she is just now understanding that fetching buckets of water for drinking, bathing and washing isn’t as peaceful as she initially thought.” And although yes most of these things have crossed my mind and maybe even caused some nervousness, no, they are still not on the top of my list of important lessons right now. 
This week reaaalllyyyyy had me thinking about the effect that my actions may have on my community and on my time here. I said several times “this is the life you chose.” Later my mom reminded me of the better way of saying that “you are right where you are supposed to be.” ❤ 
 Sticking out like a sore thumb, being called mozungu (foreigner), being asked for money and other difficult situations are all aspects that will be included in this life changing experience I will have. I’ve considered all of these things and even had peace about knowing they were coming before I moved to Zambia, but this week really made it all real. I didn’t consider how much thought I will need to make in the way I choose to spend my time, the people I choose to hang with, etc. Even decisions like whether to attend church or not where and with who can affect the way my community might look at me. This week, ish got real to put it simply. I started considering all of the decisions that I will be making in the next few years a pretty big deal. It’s difficult to articulate my feelings about this but it’s a lesson I surely needed to learn/ need to continue learning through my service. Of course, I have adapted so much to integrate into this culture, and I will surely need to continue doing so. I just pray that my heart stays soft and I don’t become jaded towards the process and the work I will put into integrating during my time here. 
Learning this is by no means a bad thing. I have been known as being overly positive and having a flowery view of everything so yes, these feelings were coming and are good for me I know it. Like I promised myself from the beginning, I will be honest with myself and every emotion as it comes and shoooooot these are the real feelings for now! 
Some details of my soon to be home: I am just a twenty minute walk from my school and my head teachers home (one of my new great friends/ Zambian family). After walking down a thin path to enter the official compound, you will pass by my insaka (gazebo) on your right. To your left, behind the mango tree (YES THERES A MANGO TREE IN MY FRONT YARD!), there is a big lake in view (about a five minute walk to the coast of it) and right in front of you is my new humble home. There’s a spacious porch where I have found much joy reading on while the sun sets in front of me and starting a fire for hot water for a cup of tea. To your right is the front door. When you enter, you’ll find all the necessities of a good kitchen (I’m gonna need to learn to cook ). Keep going to your left and there is a beatiful sitting room with a desk and a nice cushion for sitting. We spent much time here under candle light talking about our lives and sharing stories during our stay this past week. There are two big windows and the walls are painted yellow so the room is very bright. To your left, you’ll enter the bedroom where there is another nice sized window and a beautiful bed (a bed to call all my own!) 
My chimbusu (toilet) and bathing shelter is in the back of the yard through someone else’s (hehe) sweet potato crops. It’s a beautiful home and I’m excited to be calling it mine very soon. 
I hope to make it my little haven of peace. I hope it will be a place where I grow, learn, laugh, feel safe enough to cry, recharge and continue loving my new community the best I can. 
Much love to each of you and thanks so much for your support and love! 
Update- I swear in on August 28! Coming up very quick. 

Typical Hannah disclaimer- this post is subjective and has got a lot of Hannah emotions all up in it. Also, as is everyone, my host family, the Lungus, are complex humans so I could never paint a proper picture of their beauty yet I will try my best to share a piece with you what they have shared with me

Moses Lungu aka bataata (dad in Bemba)
Ba Moses is a Bemba brick builder born and raised in Zambia. He loves laughing with me about my silly Bemba mistakes and takes welcoming me into his home seriously. He take a lot of time teaching me about Zambia’s peaceful history and helps around the house a lot. He works hard for his family and I can see his excitement about learning about new cultures. He loves the peace in his country.

Roster Lungu: pronounced Row-stah, aka ba maayo (mom in Bemba)
Ba Maayo is a wonderful woman who farms and also literally does everything around the house. She is a BOSS (that is her actual title if I were to give her one). She daily carries 20 liters of water on her head, 2-5 liter containers in her hands AND a 3 month old baby on her back for about a mile. She cooks, cleans, teachers, feeds, Etc. Even through broken Bemba, I feel deeply connected to her. I can feel her love for her children through her humble service to them (and I’m thankful she regards me as one of hers). Often, we have conversations and when I fail to understand in Bemba, she breaks out perfect English with passion! She’s clever, fun, hardworking and a lover of laughing.

Barryson

Barryson Lungu (pronounced Bar-son, aka bandume- brother in Bemba, age 13)
Barryson is the eldest brother which is a pretty serious position to have in Zambia. He does a lot around the house and could teach all of us about obedience with a happy heart (I wish he was my friend when I was a child complaining about chores). He is quiet, but smart and curious about new things (like taking apart and putting my head lamp back together). He wants to be a pilot when he grows up and I know he can do it

Clifford

Clifford Lungu (brother, age 9)
Clifford is a little dancer. He is very sweet hearted and I love how he takes care of his little brother (Ezekiel). He laughs and dances and runs and rides the bike around and does silly faces and makes funny voices (I’m certain he would make for a great actor). He LOVES school and is quite good at it If I don’t say so myself. He wants to be an teacher when he grows up and also, I am certain he would be great at it

Ezekiel

Ezekiel Lungu (brother, age 5)-  little Ezekiel. This boy (along with all of the family) brings a lot of joy into my life. He is so eager to live life. He plays in all the dirt he can find, he laughs loudly, smiles, runs, dances, plays some more, helps his momma with dishes, helps his momma cook, helps his brother Barryson gather the goats, helps with anything he possibly can, laughs more, cuddles with me, let’s me give him piggy back rides, teaches me Bemba and just loves love (we are similar in that way). He doesn’t know what he wants to be, but he’s gonna be good at it. I pray his heart always remains as filled with love as it is now.

Bizwea

Bizwao (Pronounced Biz-Waeo, brother, 3 months)- Bizwao eats and sleeps with his free time. He often breaks into a big laugh and then immediately back to a face of serious wonder. He’s growing fast!

Finishing up this post with tears in my eyes makes me realize once again how deep the connection is that I have with my new Zambian family. I’m so grateful that I’ve crossed paths with such beautiful souls. I will miss them dearly when I leave for my site (Samfya district in Luapula) in September and will hold each lesson they’ve taught me close to my heart. Thank you, Lungu family!

Much love. ❤

Much love!